Em”Bear”assed Vols Looking for Redemption

-Wayne Mostecky
9/12/07

Last year, the 2006 NCAA Football season opened with a key inter-conference match-up that saw the Tennessee Volunteers put a good ol’ SEC whuppin’ on the Cal Bears of the Pathetic Ten conference, 35–18.  This year’s rematch in Berkeley was a chance to show the rest of the country that the SEC could travel outside the friendly confines of the southern states and still make it clear which conference was the baddest in the land.
 
Nice going, Vols.  Living in California may have its benefits, but having to endure myopic west coast biased football fans is definitely not one of them.  Since that game, won by the Bears by the score of 45–31 (that’s right, 45 points by a Pac 10 school on an SEC defense), was the only game on the regular season schedule this season between the two conferences, I am now guaranteed at least four months of smack from not only the casual west coast football fan, but from my good friend Cathy, a huge Cal fan and smacker extraordinaire.
 
Let’s face it, the Vols simply shouldn’t be allowed to leave their state to play football.  Any time the directions to your home stadium contain the words “turn off the paved road“ or “get out and open the two gates,” you know you have a special venue that can’t be duplicated on the road.  I mean at Tennessee, addressing the crack problem on campus simply involves the implementation of a dress code that requires students to pull their pants all the way up to their waists. 
And they didn’t help themselves in Berkeley when right off the bat, their team captain, at the opening coin toss, greeted the official at mid-field with a big ol’ “How’s it hangin,’ ref?”  And Cal fans were a lot smarter than the Tennessee players.  Repeated chants from the crowd of “Attention K-Mart Shoppers” and “Gentlemen Start Your Engines” guaranteed the Vols would not be able to keep their focus on the field.
 
Things won’t get any easier for the 1–1 Vols this week as they come into one of the toughest places to play on the road not only in the SEC, but in the nation as well.  The 2-0 Gators haven’t lost in the Swamp since Urban Meyer took over as coach.  The Vols’ troubles may actually begin at the Gainesville airport, where customs delays could be lengthy as the vast majority of the T-Shirts will no doubt be confiscated due to violation of local obscenity laws.  And that’s just in the cheerleaders’ luggage.
 
Efforts to relax the night before the big game will go awry, when players and coaches see the “under 17 not admitted” signs on movie theaters and discover they are unable to find 17 guys to agree on the same movie.  Frog giggin’ at the nearest lake to unwind from the long plane ride is out, as the risk of being attacked by and actual alligator pretty much makes that too scary a proposition for a bunch of men whose preferred encounters with wild animals occur after they have already been killed by the passing car on the road.
 
On Saturday, the game day meal will not be up to the 7-course meal standard that the Vols are accustomed to, which for them consists of a six pack and a possum.  Should the Vols, however, manage to overcome all of the pre-game obstacles and challenges that playing away from Neyland Stadium presents, they may actually have a chance at being competitive once the game begins.  Many an opponent has crumbled under the Chinese-Water-Torture-like phenomenon that is the Volunteer band and the 107 or so renditions of Rocky Top it will play during the contest.  And the banjo section playing the Elvis songs... Need I say more?  And how can we ignore the biggest advantage the Vols have ever brought into the Swamp?  The Gators will run a high-powered offense featuring our fabulous young quarterback, Tim Tebow, running everything out of the shotgun formation.  When you think about it, though, who knows more about shotguns than men from the Volunteer State?
 
In the end, the Gators will prevail.  And since Ben Hill Griffith Stadium won’t instantly transform itself into a Tractor Pull Championship venue as they may be used to, Volunteer players, coaches, fans, cheerleaders and band members will have no choice but to retire to their hotel rooms to watch The Jeff Foxworthy Show.  Credit for that last smack goes to the great Danny Weurffel, who first issued that quote in an interview after another Gator beat down of the Vols after they expanded their stadium to 102,000 in 1996.

 
Go Gators!